Adventures in Dating Land; or, Naming What You Want Upfront is an Act of Care
CARESCAPES #19
Hello dear ones,
It has been a wild two weeks after coming out of COVID and running the Trauma BB Mixer on Instagram. But I’m feeling truly #Blessed for the work that I get to do in the world. This week’s newsletter is inspired by a recent dating experience I had and the ways in which being upfront about your needs and desires is all too often pathologized as being “too intense.” I hope these words can offer some insight for folks navigating the world of dating, and also the world of making new connections more broadly.
A few reminders before we dive in:
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THOUGHTS & FEELINGS
I learnt early on in my forays into the world of romance that it was not okay to tell the person you were interested what it is you wanted or needed “too soon.” This time marker was always confusing to me. When was “too soon”? The first date? A month in? Three months in? And why were we told that our needs and desires should be some sort of mystery, a hidden riddle for others to decipher until the appropriate time came? As an Aries moon, there is very little that falls into the category of too soon for me. I know what I want and what I need and how I feel pretty immediately. And yet, if I wanted to keep my loved one’s interest, I should keep that knowledge to myself. Build the mystery.
This feels like very unhelpful dating advice. How many times did I start a connection with someone, get weeks or even months in, only to realize that we wanted different things? Had different visions of what relationships looked like? By that time, I’d already started to catch some feels for them and so untethering myself and ending the connection felt less than desirable for my tender heart. “Oh, it’s okay,” I told myself. “I can compromise on x. I don’t need y.” So much of my life has been spent in relationships that were incompatible and doomed from the start.
At the age of 36, I’m trying something different. I’m being totally upfront about the relationships I’m interested in and what it is I’m looking for. I’ve realized that my time and energy is a precious resource that I want to preserve for those who’re looking for the same things as me. It’s been totally terrifying, don’t get me wrong. But it has helped me learn early on, before I get too attached, what connections are worth pursuing and which aren’t. This is what secure attachment with myself looks like: not abandoning or ignoring my needs because naming them might scare someone off.
I recently got to put my commitment to this practice to the test. I’d been texting with someone who I met on Tinder. We were having a great time talking and decided to meet up IRL. Before we did that, I needed him to answer a question for me: what kind of polyamory does he and his partner practice? I was upfront in naming that kitchen table polyamory is the only form of nonmonogamy that works for me. I don’t want to feel like my relationship with a human has to be kept totally separate from their other relationships. I don’t need to be BFFs with my metamours (the word for your partner’s partners). But I do need to know that we could all sit around the kitchen table together (hence the term “kitchen table polyamory”) and enjoy each other’s company.
I was delighted to hear that kitchen table polyam was totally their vibe too, and so I agree to go on a date. The first date was a 10/10 experience. We had no shortage of things to talk about, laughed a lot, and ended up back at my place for a little make out session. In the week that followed, we talked about our visions for relationships as we got to know each other. After a three-hr FaceTime call, the following week we had date #2. Again, it was a great experience. Chemistry was totally there.
And so I was totally floored when, the next day, I received a text from him telling me that he felt like things were moving too fast and he didn’t want to date me anymore. As I shared my confusion at this news, because there were literally no signs of anything but enthusiast interest, he told me: “how intense you were about discussing your own intentions created a connection that wasn’t legitimately there.” Now, gaslighting aside, I was not a fan of having a cis straight man tell me that I was being too intense by sharing my intentions with him.
I’m glad that I figured that out early on. Knowing that my upfrontness about what I want from relationships was experienced as intense (a word that has been used again and again to pathologize the feelings of women and femmes) was great information that this human was not my human. It’s been a while since I’ve had a person I’m dating tell me that I am, in effect, too much, and it’s made me think about why it is that we’re so freaked out by another person knowing what it is they want and not being afraid to name that. Telling you what I want doesn’t mean that I’m ready to marry you tomorrow. Telling you want I’m looking for doesn’t mean that you have to want that too. Once we know that we’re on the same page, we can enjoy getting to know one another and see if we’re interested in developing a relationship. That’s it.
I want to offer some reframes out there for the humans who’re wanting to name their needs but feel worried that it’s too soon; and for the humans who find themselves getting freaked the fuck out when the person they’re getting to know is upfront about what they’re looking for.
Naming our relational needs and desires is an act of care for self and others. In doing so, I acknowledge that our time and energy isn’t infinite and that we deserve to make informed choices about who we’re giving that time and energy to. This is what informed consent looks like. If I’m looking to build a romantic partnership and you’re looking for something casual, then it’s best we know what’s what before we get attached.
Naming these needs and desires before an emotional bond is created is being a responsible human. Waiting until the “right time” when some imaginary marker of “enough time” has passed is irresponsible because once those emotional bonds have been created, it becomes more painful and difficult to say “you know what, this isn’t going to work for me” and step away from the connection. This is harm reduction in the landscape of dating.
The very act of naming our needs and desires is a great way to see if our relationship is going to be built on the foundation of honesty and open communication. If you are freaked out by another person’s honesty, that is something for you to get curious about. Why are you feeling freaked out? What is this information telling you about where you’re at? Do you want to run away and if so, why? Are you realizing that it feels terrifying for you to name what it is you want? Or that perhaps you have no idea what it is that you want?
Being securely attached to myself and developing secure attachment with others requires me to honour my boundaries, to not make myself small for others. Telling people what we want is an act of care. It helps them know what it is we need (instead of guessing, which usually results in misattunement and mistakes that we then need to repair). It helps them decide whether giving us X is in alignment with their boundaries. It helps us all know that we’re showing up from a place of authenticity and that we’re being celebrated for doing so.
A note to cis men, and cis straight men in particular: telling a woman or femme that being upfront about their intentions is “intense,” “too much,” or “too fast” is misogyny. End of story. The language of “too much” has been used again and again throughout history to pathologize women and femmes, make them feel crazy, and keep them from actually owning their desires and being in their power. Your discomfort is yours to figure out and own. (And yes, I know that women and femmes can also use that language, but in the case of cis men and women and femmes, the gendered power dynamics are different.)
To all of the humans out there who want to be honest and upfront about what it is you want: DO IT!! Know that it may freak some people out and that is not a you problem. At this point in my life, I’m looking for connections with people who aren’t afraid of these conversations (or, if they are afraid, they’re being honest about that and are doing the work to figure out why). You do not have to compromise for another person’s comfort. Doing so is not an act of care for anyone, truly. I want relationships that challenge me and make me uncomfortable because they are pushing me to grow and expand. You deserve to be with humans who can meet you where you’re at. Period.
PRACTICES
Need some support in naming your needs? Here are a few conversation templates you can use!
“I know that this is early days in us getting to know each other, but it’s really important for me to make sure that I’m investing my time and energy in people who want similar things to me. I know that I’m really looking for X. Is that something you’re also interested in?”
“I really need X in my relationships with other people because it helps me feel secure / enables me to show up authentically / [insert other reason. Is that something you like to have in your relationships?”
“I’m interested in [casual sex; developing an intimate partnership; etc]. What kinds of connections are you looking to make?”
“We’ve been seeing each other for X amount of time and I feel like it’s time for us to talk about Y so that we can decide if this is a connection that makes sense for us long-term.”
ACTIONS
This past weekend I ran a Trauma BB Mixer on my Instagram to help raise funds for Olivia Pepper’s GFM. We’re sooooo close to helping them reach their goal.
If you've come across this page, Olivia has undoubtedly touched your life in a meaningful way. You already know how amazing, kind, and selfless a person they are, and if we go into any more detail on that, it will thoroughly embarrass them.
You might also know that Olivia has been dealing with a range of chronic health conditions for many years now. Due to the nightmare that we call capitalism and an ongoing public health crisis, they have been on a waitlist for six months, to receive extensive tests, in-network.
The testing could truly lead to some useful strategies and allow them to be referred to specialists that can hopefully provide more clarity. This holding pattern appears to be endless, so Olivia recently decided that they will have to see a range of doctors accepting new patients and cover it entirely out of pocket.
This will likely cost a small fortune, and these doctors, for whatever reason, are unwilling to barter for (priceless!) star poetry readings. Can you join us in supplying some mutual aid for our dear friend?
Thanks for sharing your experience. “Too much” is so misogynistic! It sounds like you were very clear AND caring 💜