I literally had a break-up with a dear friend yesterday. Maybe I didn’t know that’s what it was when it happened. I definitely did not think having the conversation I fearfully had with her would result in the break-up, and yet the synchronicity of this post and your words help me to know that it’s nothing personal, in that we are unable to meet each other’s needs and boundaries and compassionately communicate. So, it is time. This article helped me to not feel alone, that friendships end and it’s not my childhood trauma wounds unconsciously causing this rupture, and I shouldn’t be ashamed. Thank you.
I really value this insight. I would say that one thing I have learned from treating friendships with the same sincerity and energy as romantic relationships is that sometimes it makes it so my anxious attachment is present there too. I’ve recently been trying to learn the value of friendship as an emotional space in which intensity need not be present. There is something to be said for relationships where we don’t expect the whole world from each other. My friendship breakups have invariably been because of that
That's such a great insight to have gleaned for yourself. I've definitely also experienced some attachment triggers in friendship as well. Weirdly, I feel comforted by that. Because my relationship anarchist brain hates that romantic/sexual connections activate me more than platonic relationships (because I value them both equally). Dean Spade blew my mind in his new book where he proposed that the cultural romance myths we've inherited, which have placed so much emphasis on romantic relationships, have contributed to this
Ugh I've been feeling the breakup energy so big and heavy over the last few years of my healing journey. Wishing an easier time for intimacy and connection on everyone ✨
Happened recently to me, it wasn't an explicit end but I don't have faith that they will reach out again. I walked on eggshells for a long time, and in the one and only instance I expressed discontent with our relationship and asked for feedback and suggestions on how to work together to improve communications, they became really defensive and ghosted. It was a very confusing and painful time.
I'm so sorry that was your experience Edna. It's such a brave and vulnerable thing to name our discontent and I'm sorry that they couldn't receive your honesty as the gift that it is <3
It feels so shitty. Somehow it feels worse than some romantic breakups I had. I'm glad yours was so maturely done, though! To me it's something that I don't see anywhere in the media and maybe that's why it's harder to process? There are no outlets for these feelings and it feels silly. Why would you miss someone who doesn't want to be friends with you? Like we have to "win" every situation/relationship and breakup especially.
I miss my friend K. She was great. She was the first person to be kind to me when I was around 15yo and in a new school, on the verge of... I dunno, switching to individual teaching because I couldn't stand it? And she was there. She was so happy and fun, and goofy, and for whatever reason chose that grumpy teenager to be her friend. She once said "If one doesn't have anything nice to say, why not just not say anything instead of something mean?" and it was one of the first lessons in compassion I had, given at the age of fifteen. We grew up and lived through all these life changing, small-huge things: breakups, emigration, coming back, sex, partners, all of it. She was with me when I was robbed on the street in another country. We gave each other gifts, cards, adventures.
As I'm describing it now, it sounds so romantic, doesn't it? I dunno, maybe I had a crush on her (I definitely had), but that wasn't the point. (Even though when I think about it now, maybe we should've tried? Maybe I should've said something, even if she was straight? It doesn't matter now.) I loved her dearly and she loved me. We were there, through various partners and life events. Talking every day. Her favourite shop was Disney Store and we don't have it in Poland, so when I was living in Spain, I used to call her on video while there, so we could shop together.
And then. Something. She changed. You know, people drift apart and break up, and it's sad but natural. But it was so fast. First, she found a New Guy, who was disrespectful to her and very possibly cheating on her, but I still supported her, voicing my doubts but telling her I'd be with her whatever she chose. (Whether that would be true forever, I think depends on what the guy would do, but I believed that then.) But then he encouraged and enabled her to drink more and more, himself an alcoholic. And then she somehow decided she hated my boyfriend of that time, because (?) he was everything opposite: soft, non-drinking, quiet, which annoyed her so much. Then she didn't even ask how my top surgery went ("I know from Instagram", she said). And then, in the end, there was too much alcohol and new enabling friends, and this New Guy, and it ended abruptly in a horrible argument and so much hurtful words. I don't remember what we said, but I know we both seemed to hate each other at that time.
I don't know if she'll ever be sober and healthy again, that sweet supportive friend, that happy enthusiastic goofball or a beautiful melancholic woman, smart and passionate. I miss her, though. Not the last few months where we both hurt each other somehow, instead of being able to talk. But all the other years, and it was a decade! Our other friends say they feel she no longer exists, not that happy friendly version, just a toxic alcoholic. Maybe they're right. I don't know. I know it can't come back but I would love her to. I would love to have her back, with all the imperfections. Sometimes I feel like reaching out but we blocked each other everywhere and while I unblocked her, she didn't unblock me, so it's a clear sign/boundary. I still miss her, though. I'll always miss her and think of her in all the little things, even if I also feel better without some of her influence (i.e. overconsumption). I would love to know what she thinks and feels about it all.
---
In other random notes: I love what you wrote about that temporality. I definitely feel that with some of my closest friends! That feeling of "hey, whatever happens, we'll be there for each other, and I'll get to grow old with you". The thought of seeing them go through all these life stages as I go through mine warms my heart. It was revolutionary to think about it: you don't have to "call dibs" (as some people seem to see romantic relationships) on someone to grow old with them and have them in your life.
Another observation I have, though: I'm currently at the stage of my life where I'm happy and fine with very few friends, almost all of them online (as if that's less of a friendship!). Sometimes I feel scared that it's wrong, that we all have to have lots of friends, otherwise something terrible would happen (idk, growing old all alone and lonely maybe? being without help?). But that's treating people as investment, transactions. So even though I still feel some friendship FOMO, I try to let it come and go in my head, as I move through this stage where I'm fine as it is. I know that if I feel the need to make more friends, meet new people, I can; there are places and resources for that and I won't be the loneliest person on Earth just because right now, these days I don't feel the need. I think.
Thank you for sharing your story with me/us Bells. It sounds like such a beautiful friendship and I'm sorry to hear that it ended with so much sadness. It's true that sometimes we do just drift apart. I don't have any friends from when I was in high school, and I think about just how much we change as we become adults and continue to age. I love that you're embracing this particular era of what friendship looks like for you. Trust that when your friendship circle is meant to expand, you'll feel the call and take action <3
This was a much-needed read, and it breaks and fills my heart that you’ve had instances of definitive conversations with friends about the breakup. It feels like an opportunity to honor the importance of those friendships and extend that love through the ending.
My experiences have been almost exclusively ghosting, particularly when I chose to stop drinking. The uncertainty and disappointment linger with every “we should totally hang soon” only to be met with silence when I propose we find an actual date/time to get together. The slow ghost has made it hard to recognize what’s happening until it does, making it even harder to address.
Oooooffff ghosting / slow ghosting is so painful. I often have to remind myself that it very likely has little to do with me and just represents their capacity. I also see this happening a lot when folks decide to get sober. It's so interesting how uncomfortable that can make others. Like there are literally so many other cool fun things we can do together beside drink, you know? Sending you so much softness <3
Ugh...I feel this. I also tend to romanticize my friendships, but I also see platonic love at Least at the same level of intensity as romantic love. If I say I love you, I genuinely mean it.
I guess that's why this last friend break-up just gutted me. We had the level of intimacy where we had a great time doing anything or absolutely nothing together, and supported each other through some tough low times, as best we could. We had such good, hard conversations, during which I learned a lot about myself. This was next level for me - no yelling or calling names! I kept trying to be mindful of the critiques I was given, but I later (too late) found out that I was still messing up. The kicker was that, at the end, they told me that I was like their best friend. It has been over 5 months and I still miss them dearly.
"In that final conversation, we realized that our needs were incompatible. We both needed something that the other couldn’t offer." Oooofff just had a VERY similar experience with a friend that I met in a very similar way. It's such a bummer when you realize you and a friend, especially a close friend, are not compatible / not able to show up for each other in the way you both need. It definitely hurts but I also see it as so courageous.
It is such a both/and! It's a beautiful thing to be able to let go of a relationship that isn't working. We can do so with gratitude for the connection, and open up space for the connections that are meant for us next <3
This is exactly how I felt when I had my breakup with a dearest friend of mine. And it bothered me because not only could I not communicate properly but I also couldn’t understand the feelings that I was going through. Reading this is exactly the thoughts I couldn’t articulate. I feel so very seen. Because for the other party they thought I was saying “oh you’re not giving me enough attention, so I’m leaving” when infact that was an over simplification of what I was really feeling. Thank you for helping me understand my own thoughts and emotions.
So honored to have helped you understand your thoughts and emotions Zoe. Sending you so much softness as you move through the grief of that friendship ending <3
I've always valued platonic friendships as much as romantic ones but certainly felt like I was alone in that sentiment growing up. My guy friends would say "bros before hoes" as if it was a reminder and a pact to keep the order straight.
Thanks so much for recommending Kat's work! I'm so excited to see that this conversation is continuing to grow. And wow yes "bros before hoes" is really bringing me back to a particular era in time and while I still find the language there jarring, I love the sentiment.
I didn’t feel like I had a real true friend until I met M when I was 15. I dated her brother for 5 years so we inevitably bonded and became best friends and unofficial sisters. Even years after I had broken up with him we stayed close as ever. Our bond felt so secure until her grandma passed away. It broke her and I tried so hard to be there for her only to eventually get ghosted. She had a habit of distancing herself when she was down, so I would of accepted her rejection better if she wasn’t hanging out with her best friend every week. The fact that I wasn’t even broken up with officially made it take years for me to get over it. I still struggle with insecurities in friendships and always feel like the low ranking friend.
The word "friend" doesn't have a past tense. We say "I'm not in contact with her anymore" or "we drifted." We almost never say "I lost her." But that's what it is.
the corgi named maxine wearing sunglasses in a backpack at griffith park is the kind of detail that only exists in the early chapters of friendships that feel destined to last. and then the shift - realizing you'd been crossing boundaries without knowing, trying to repair, sitting on the couch together naming your hurts, discovering your needs were incompatible. the maturity of discussing boundaries for instagram engagement and what to do if you see each other in public. but the fourteen-year-old version of this story is the one that haunts. your friends breaking up with you because a boy raped you and the rumor gave you a scarlet letter. entering high school without a single friend to navigate what happened. foreverness as a concept works because it separates duration from imprint. someone can mark you permanently without staying permanently.
I literally had a break-up with a dear friend yesterday. Maybe I didn’t know that’s what it was when it happened. I definitely did not think having the conversation I fearfully had with her would result in the break-up, and yet the synchronicity of this post and your words help me to know that it’s nothing personal, in that we are unable to meet each other’s needs and boundaries and compassionately communicate. So, it is time. This article helped me to not feel alone, that friendships end and it’s not my childhood trauma wounds unconsciously causing this rupture, and I shouldn’t be ashamed. Thank you.
I'm so sorry that you're moving through a friendship breakup, and am truly honored that my words could be here right when you needed them <3 <3 <3
I really value this insight. I would say that one thing I have learned from treating friendships with the same sincerity and energy as romantic relationships is that sometimes it makes it so my anxious attachment is present there too. I’ve recently been trying to learn the value of friendship as an emotional space in which intensity need not be present. There is something to be said for relationships where we don’t expect the whole world from each other. My friendship breakups have invariably been because of that
That's such a great insight to have gleaned for yourself. I've definitely also experienced some attachment triggers in friendship as well. Weirdly, I feel comforted by that. Because my relationship anarchist brain hates that romantic/sexual connections activate me more than platonic relationships (because I value them both equally). Dean Spade blew my mind in his new book where he proposed that the cultural romance myths we've inherited, which have placed so much emphasis on romantic relationships, have contributed to this
Ugh I've been feeling the breakup energy so big and heavy over the last few years of my healing journey. Wishing an easier time for intimacy and connection on everyone ✨
Sending you so much softness as you navigate these waters and am there with you in wishing more ease within intimacy and connection
Happened recently to me, it wasn't an explicit end but I don't have faith that they will reach out again. I walked on eggshells for a long time, and in the one and only instance I expressed discontent with our relationship and asked for feedback and suggestions on how to work together to improve communications, they became really defensive and ghosted. It was a very confusing and painful time.
I'm so sorry that was your experience Edna. It's such a brave and vulnerable thing to name our discontent and I'm sorry that they couldn't receive your honesty as the gift that it is <3
This is so true to my experience and I loved every word 💕 thank you for sharing
So appreciate these words of affirmation and appreciation <3
It feels so shitty. Somehow it feels worse than some romantic breakups I had. I'm glad yours was so maturely done, though! To me it's something that I don't see anywhere in the media and maybe that's why it's harder to process? There are no outlets for these feelings and it feels silly. Why would you miss someone who doesn't want to be friends with you? Like we have to "win" every situation/relationship and breakup especially.
I miss my friend K. She was great. She was the first person to be kind to me when I was around 15yo and in a new school, on the verge of... I dunno, switching to individual teaching because I couldn't stand it? And she was there. She was so happy and fun, and goofy, and for whatever reason chose that grumpy teenager to be her friend. She once said "If one doesn't have anything nice to say, why not just not say anything instead of something mean?" and it was one of the first lessons in compassion I had, given at the age of fifteen. We grew up and lived through all these life changing, small-huge things: breakups, emigration, coming back, sex, partners, all of it. She was with me when I was robbed on the street in another country. We gave each other gifts, cards, adventures.
As I'm describing it now, it sounds so romantic, doesn't it? I dunno, maybe I had a crush on her (I definitely had), but that wasn't the point. (Even though when I think about it now, maybe we should've tried? Maybe I should've said something, even if she was straight? It doesn't matter now.) I loved her dearly and she loved me. We were there, through various partners and life events. Talking every day. Her favourite shop was Disney Store and we don't have it in Poland, so when I was living in Spain, I used to call her on video while there, so we could shop together.
And then. Something. She changed. You know, people drift apart and break up, and it's sad but natural. But it was so fast. First, she found a New Guy, who was disrespectful to her and very possibly cheating on her, but I still supported her, voicing my doubts but telling her I'd be with her whatever she chose. (Whether that would be true forever, I think depends on what the guy would do, but I believed that then.) But then he encouraged and enabled her to drink more and more, himself an alcoholic. And then she somehow decided she hated my boyfriend of that time, because (?) he was everything opposite: soft, non-drinking, quiet, which annoyed her so much. Then she didn't even ask how my top surgery went ("I know from Instagram", she said). And then, in the end, there was too much alcohol and new enabling friends, and this New Guy, and it ended abruptly in a horrible argument and so much hurtful words. I don't remember what we said, but I know we both seemed to hate each other at that time.
I don't know if she'll ever be sober and healthy again, that sweet supportive friend, that happy enthusiastic goofball or a beautiful melancholic woman, smart and passionate. I miss her, though. Not the last few months where we both hurt each other somehow, instead of being able to talk. But all the other years, and it was a decade! Our other friends say they feel she no longer exists, not that happy friendly version, just a toxic alcoholic. Maybe they're right. I don't know. I know it can't come back but I would love her to. I would love to have her back, with all the imperfections. Sometimes I feel like reaching out but we blocked each other everywhere and while I unblocked her, she didn't unblock me, so it's a clear sign/boundary. I still miss her, though. I'll always miss her and think of her in all the little things, even if I also feel better without some of her influence (i.e. overconsumption). I would love to know what she thinks and feels about it all.
---
In other random notes: I love what you wrote about that temporality. I definitely feel that with some of my closest friends! That feeling of "hey, whatever happens, we'll be there for each other, and I'll get to grow old with you". The thought of seeing them go through all these life stages as I go through mine warms my heart. It was revolutionary to think about it: you don't have to "call dibs" (as some people seem to see romantic relationships) on someone to grow old with them and have them in your life.
Another observation I have, though: I'm currently at the stage of my life where I'm happy and fine with very few friends, almost all of them online (as if that's less of a friendship!). Sometimes I feel scared that it's wrong, that we all have to have lots of friends, otherwise something terrible would happen (idk, growing old all alone and lonely maybe? being without help?). But that's treating people as investment, transactions. So even though I still feel some friendship FOMO, I try to let it come and go in my head, as I move through this stage where I'm fine as it is. I know that if I feel the need to make more friends, meet new people, I can; there are places and resources for that and I won't be the loneliest person on Earth just because right now, these days I don't feel the need. I think.
Thank you for sharing your story with me/us Bells. It sounds like such a beautiful friendship and I'm sorry to hear that it ended with so much sadness. It's true that sometimes we do just drift apart. I don't have any friends from when I was in high school, and I think about just how much we change as we become adults and continue to age. I love that you're embracing this particular era of what friendship looks like for you. Trust that when your friendship circle is meant to expand, you'll feel the call and take action <3
This was a much-needed read, and it breaks and fills my heart that you’ve had instances of definitive conversations with friends about the breakup. It feels like an opportunity to honor the importance of those friendships and extend that love through the ending.
My experiences have been almost exclusively ghosting, particularly when I chose to stop drinking. The uncertainty and disappointment linger with every “we should totally hang soon” only to be met with silence when I propose we find an actual date/time to get together. The slow ghost has made it hard to recognize what’s happening until it does, making it even harder to address.
Oooooffff ghosting / slow ghosting is so painful. I often have to remind myself that it very likely has little to do with me and just represents their capacity. I also see this happening a lot when folks decide to get sober. It's so interesting how uncomfortable that can make others. Like there are literally so many other cool fun things we can do together beside drink, you know? Sending you so much softness <3
Ugh...I feel this. I also tend to romanticize my friendships, but I also see platonic love at Least at the same level of intensity as romantic love. If I say I love you, I genuinely mean it.
I guess that's why this last friend break-up just gutted me. We had the level of intimacy where we had a great time doing anything or absolutely nothing together, and supported each other through some tough low times, as best we could. We had such good, hard conversations, during which I learned a lot about myself. This was next level for me - no yelling or calling names! I kept trying to be mindful of the critiques I was given, but I later (too late) found out that I was still messing up. The kicker was that, at the end, they told me that I was like their best friend. It has been over 5 months and I still miss them dearly.
Oh Annie, I'm sending you so much softness as you continue to be present with this grief. Thank you for sharing your experience with me/us <3
This is so deeply relatable, Margeaux, thank you for sharing. 🧡
You're so welcome Anna <3
"In that final conversation, we realized that our needs were incompatible. We both needed something that the other couldn’t offer." Oooofff just had a VERY similar experience with a friend that I met in a very similar way. It's such a bummer when you realize you and a friend, especially a close friend, are not compatible / not able to show up for each other in the way you both need. It definitely hurts but I also see it as so courageous.
It is such a both/and! It's a beautiful thing to be able to let go of a relationship that isn't working. We can do so with gratitude for the connection, and open up space for the connections that are meant for us next <3
This is exactly how I felt when I had my breakup with a dearest friend of mine. And it bothered me because not only could I not communicate properly but I also couldn’t understand the feelings that I was going through. Reading this is exactly the thoughts I couldn’t articulate. I feel so very seen. Because for the other party they thought I was saying “oh you’re not giving me enough attention, so I’m leaving” when infact that was an over simplification of what I was really feeling. Thank you for helping me understand my own thoughts and emotions.
So honored to have helped you understand your thoughts and emotions Zoe. Sending you so much softness as you move through the grief of that friendship ending <3
This reminded me that I read a book that I really enjoyed and learned from: How To Be A Bad Friend by Kat Sleadd (https://www.instagram.com/katesleadd - and their substack https://katherinesleadd.substack.com).
I've always valued platonic friendships as much as romantic ones but certainly felt like I was alone in that sentiment growing up. My guy friends would say "bros before hoes" as if it was a reminder and a pact to keep the order straight.
Thanks so much for recommending Kat's work! I'm so excited to see that this conversation is continuing to grow. And wow yes "bros before hoes" is really bringing me back to a particular era in time and while I still find the language there jarring, I love the sentiment.
I didn’t feel like I had a real true friend until I met M when I was 15. I dated her brother for 5 years so we inevitably bonded and became best friends and unofficial sisters. Even years after I had broken up with him we stayed close as ever. Our bond felt so secure until her grandma passed away. It broke her and I tried so hard to be there for her only to eventually get ghosted. She had a habit of distancing herself when she was down, so I would of accepted her rejection better if she wasn’t hanging out with her best friend every week. The fact that I wasn’t even broken up with officially made it take years for me to get over it. I still struggle with insecurities in friendships and always feel like the low ranking friend.
The word "friend" doesn't have a past tense. We say "I'm not in contact with her anymore" or "we drifted." We almost never say "I lost her." But that's what it is.
the corgi named maxine wearing sunglasses in a backpack at griffith park is the kind of detail that only exists in the early chapters of friendships that feel destined to last. and then the shift - realizing you'd been crossing boundaries without knowing, trying to repair, sitting on the couch together naming your hurts, discovering your needs were incompatible. the maturity of discussing boundaries for instagram engagement and what to do if you see each other in public. but the fourteen-year-old version of this story is the one that haunts. your friends breaking up with you because a boy raped you and the rumor gave you a scarlet letter. entering high school without a single friend to navigate what happened. foreverness as a concept works because it separates duration from imprint. someone can mark you permanently without staying permanently.
https://substack.com/@piesdepau/note/p-156660548